From your elected representative.
As you will neither see nor hear from me for the next five years, or until the next election, whichever is sooner, I would like to thank you all for electing me to the Lok Sabha. I am moved to tears that you have shown such love for me to represent you all in parliament. I will make you proud of my coming achievements.
Without your love and support how else could I fulfill my ambitions to increase my wealth from a mere two crores to 1000 crores? I will be moving among multi-crorepattis soon, and I know you will not wish your elected representative to live in impoverished conditions in Delhi. Even my two crores are now much depleted as I had to spend more than one crore purchasing your votes. You made such demands on a poor man but I did not begrudge spending the money on you all.
Apart from such necessary expenses, I had to spend liberally in hiring goondas to intimidate those of you who did not agree with my election manifesto. As I had no manifesto at all, I could not understand why you objected to something that was non-existent. I made only promises – uplift of the poor, abolish poverty, development, free loans – none of which I will fulfill as I will be too busy as a cabinet minister with Z security.
Now some of you have raised objections and vilified me in the press that my two crores are unaccounted wealth. I assure you all that I have counted every rupee and not one has gone astray without my knowledge.
Some nosey watchdog organizations have also reported me to the Income Tax department for not possessing a Paan number. Now I have eaten Paan all my life, and I did not know that Paan had numbers. I have since investigated the paan that my paan man sells me. We both looked on the backside and the front side of the paan leaves and saw no numbers at all. This Paan number is a blatant fabrication by these organizations in order to cause trouble for me with the Income Tax department. I have since had to pay much money to the IT not to further investigate for my paan number and waste their precious time. IT told me not to worry for, if they did search for these Paan numbers among the members of the Lok Sabha, they would all be transferred to the Andaman Islands.
Also, I wish to assure you all that, though I do possess a criminal record, I am totally innocent of the charges against me. The press has fabricated stories that I have committed murder, rapes, swindles, scams and other vile crimes. It is not my fault at all that men drop dead when I am in their vicinity, women are raped and swindles carried out in my name. The local police have made many attempts to clear my good name, as they are dear friends of mine, and I have been most generous in helping them buy new two wheelers and cars.
Please understand, without such criminal qualifications how could I enter our hallowed parliament and hold my head high among my fellow criminals. I will be shown greater respect by them for the crimes (innocent until proven guilty as you know) I have committed to become a politician. I am there only to serve myself, my family, my friends and others who are willing and able to pay for my services. I assure you it will be hard work to earn 1,000 crores as I will need to be alert 24x7 for every rupee the government sends to my constituency so that I can enrich myself.
I ask for your blessings in this letter. Jai Hind.